My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
