i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
