Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
