if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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