I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
