and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
