i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
