Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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