And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
