i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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