She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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