So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
