he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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