Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
