you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
