I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
