And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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