I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I am one with the molecules
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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