So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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