Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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