if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
