You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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