Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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