I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
