'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
