So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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