Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
