Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
