I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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