i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
