Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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