Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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