i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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