There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
