you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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