When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
