do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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