you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
