i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
