My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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