I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
