Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
