Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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