Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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