I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize