The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize