By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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