bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
