Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
