I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
