dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
