morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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