We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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