It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
