My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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