Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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