i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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