Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
