the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize