i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
